Desires of my heart

It's a funny word: Desire.  I had no idea what it truly meant until late September.  Here's what I do know.  I knew I wanted to marry a man who loved Jesus first, who put me second, and our family third.  When God gave me Travis, I knew that desire had been fulfilled.  He loves Jesus well, and that's so important.  So as I reflected on what joy looked like in our life, I saw it:  my Jesus, my husband, and my boys.  This was created by God for us, and I am so thankful for our many blessings.  But secretly, I longed for another baby.  I have prayed about it for a while, and decided that perhaps it wasn't a true desire of my heart, but me being selfish.  I love the newborn stage, even though it is exhausting.  I thought perhaps I wanted just to have another baby to experience that stage again, as crazy as that sounds.  So, I had given into the idea that it was just me wanting what I wanted for my own selfish reasons.  God gave me a peace about what we have, and I really began to see that this family is exactly what He created, and I should find joy in that, rather than longing for something more.  On a Saturday evening, after much prayer, I told Travis I was okay with being done having babies.  I began to trust that this was His plan, and it was more than sufficent.  After all, I am in school, starting a business, Cameron will be in Kindergarden next year - it made sense.  I see why people feel that once their kiddos hit a certain age, another child is "starting over."

Then late September hit.  September 23rd to be exact.  I felt funny.  No triggers, no warnings, simply ruling out pregnancy as I had many times before. Only this time, the test did not say "not."  It was late in the afternoon, before Travis was home from work, and I began to pace.  We had just discussed no more children 4 days before, and I was okay with that.  How was it possible that God was forming a little being inside my womb as I openly gave it back to Him?  I had no idea that as I uttered those words on Saturday, He had already formed a baby. 

I must be honest, and say that I was in shock.  Not a little shock, overwhelming shock.  I couldn't image what life was going to be like, how it was going to change, how it was going to impact ME.  See, there I go again, selfish.  As the days and week rolled on (I found out early, 3 weeks 4 days) I began to sit in His presence more.  I spilled the news to my women's bible study group without even trying  - Jesus knew my fears, anxiety, and utter shock and He knew I needed prayer. I was enduring 1st trimester stuff and a few other issues that added to my stress.  It wasn't until some wonderful women (two different sets in fact) prayed over me that I felt my heart lighten.  I knew in that moment Jesus had me in the palm of His hand, and even though I was anxious, He knew my heart.  He knows my heart. He knew that my true desire was for another child, but it wasn't until I let Him run the show that He gave us another blessing.

Here we are now, week 12 - moving into week 13 and I am overjoyed.  I still have reservation on how we will mange 3, but as He always has, God will provide.  So this Thanksgiving, we have a little extra special reason to be thankful.  Our sweet baby is due June 5, 2015 - the same day Travis' late Grandmother was born.

              Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires. Psalm 37:4