Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of year for our family. We get to celebrate each other, eat until we are stuffed, and remember why we are thankful. I am overjoyed that we spend Thanksgiving with my in-laws, even if that means I miss the festivities with my Mom. Nana and Grandpa do so much for us, it's nice to treat them to a meal (even though Nana thinks it's too much work when it's not).  This year, we have an extra special blessing we are thankful for.  A new baby that God knit in my womb, and unexpected blessing. 
Today is also a hard day for me.  I miss my dad.  No, he isn't in Heaven or passed, but we are estranged.  It's hard for me sometimes, and during the holidays I find myself longing for traditions I grew up with.  As I stood and mixed the sour cream and onion dip to snack on, I was overcome with tears.  Not because of the onions, but because of the representation.  Growing up I lived with my dad when my parents divorced - long story short.  Since I was raised by a man, a lot of manly things came with that.  That included tons of snacks before dinner - olives, sweet pickles, and the famous chips and dip.  Oh, and FOOTBALL! How could I forget.  We had the normal thanksgiving feast with all the extras.
As I prepare the meal today (minus the turkeys, Travis is smoking those) I am thankful, but I have a heavy heart.  It is hard to be apart from someone you've known your whole life, someone you love, but someone you had to set boundaries for.  I don't like that I had to make choices that hurt our relationship, but I do know that My God knows my heart.  He knows the hurt it has caused, the pain and tears I am sure we have both shed, and what heaven will look like for the both of us.  Today I think of my dad, wishing him a happy thanksgiving.  I pray he is not alone, that he is surrounded by those that care for him. 
There is one thing I know deep in my heart - that regardless of how far apart we have grown, he will always be my dad, and he will always be loved by me.  He may not see things that way, but I know things were simply too difficult for us to continue a relationship that was unhealthy. 
So Dad, wherever you are, whatever are you doing, I pray that your Thanksgiving is a blessing to you. That you feel the love and support of others, and offer the same in return. I pray that you know that I love you and I miss you.  Not a day goes by that you escape my thoughts.  Though we may not have an earthly relationship, I look forward to Heaven and rejoicing with you there.  Until then, I pray all is well with you.

Desires of my heart

It's a funny word: Desire.  I had no idea what it truly meant until late September.  Here's what I do know.  I knew I wanted to marry a man who loved Jesus first, who put me second, and our family third.  When God gave me Travis, I knew that desire had been fulfilled.  He loves Jesus well, and that's so important.  So as I reflected on what joy looked like in our life, I saw it:  my Jesus, my husband, and my boys.  This was created by God for us, and I am so thankful for our many blessings.  But secretly, I longed for another baby.  I have prayed about it for a while, and decided that perhaps it wasn't a true desire of my heart, but me being selfish.  I love the newborn stage, even though it is exhausting.  I thought perhaps I wanted just to have another baby to experience that stage again, as crazy as that sounds.  So, I had given into the idea that it was just me wanting what I wanted for my own selfish reasons.  God gave me a peace about what we have, and I really began to see that this family is exactly what He created, and I should find joy in that, rather than longing for something more.  On a Saturday evening, after much prayer, I told Travis I was okay with being done having babies.  I began to trust that this was His plan, and it was more than sufficent.  After all, I am in school, starting a business, Cameron will be in Kindergarden next year - it made sense.  I see why people feel that once their kiddos hit a certain age, another child is "starting over."

Then late September hit.  September 23rd to be exact.  I felt funny.  No triggers, no warnings, simply ruling out pregnancy as I had many times before. Only this time, the test did not say "not."  It was late in the afternoon, before Travis was home from work, and I began to pace.  We had just discussed no more children 4 days before, and I was okay with that.  How was it possible that God was forming a little being inside my womb as I openly gave it back to Him?  I had no idea that as I uttered those words on Saturday, He had already formed a baby. 

I must be honest, and say that I was in shock.  Not a little shock, overwhelming shock.  I couldn't image what life was going to be like, how it was going to change, how it was going to impact ME.  See, there I go again, selfish.  As the days and week rolled on (I found out early, 3 weeks 4 days) I began to sit in His presence more.  I spilled the news to my women's bible study group without even trying  - Jesus knew my fears, anxiety, and utter shock and He knew I needed prayer. I was enduring 1st trimester stuff and a few other issues that added to my stress.  It wasn't until some wonderful women (two different sets in fact) prayed over me that I felt my heart lighten.  I knew in that moment Jesus had me in the palm of His hand, and even though I was anxious, He knew my heart.  He knows my heart. He knew that my true desire was for another child, but it wasn't until I let Him run the show that He gave us another blessing.

Here we are now, week 12 - moving into week 13 and I am overjoyed.  I still have reservation on how we will mange 3, but as He always has, God will provide.  So this Thanksgiving, we have a little extra special reason to be thankful.  Our sweet baby is due June 5, 2015 - the same day Travis' late Grandmother was born.

              Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires. Psalm 37:4

Rest, restore, renew

I was blessed to spend some time at an overnight retreat this weekend.  The subject was, "Rest, Restore, Renew."  The ladies who set it up provided the women with wonderful spa like ideas from quiet rooms to fellowship. It was refreshing.  I'm a Mom, a Mom who is always anticipating the needs of our boys.  Knowing their schedules, making sure they are fed, trying to love them the way Jesus loves us.  And in those moments of constant, I do not find rest.  Silence and solitude does not come easy to me.  I am a doer by nature, I ALWAYS have something I could be doing besides being still.  The retreat this weekend was led by a woman by the name of Kristi Hayes.  You can find out more about here here:  http://khop.weebly.com/. 
She is a fitness fanatic, a go-getter, a doer.  I resenate with the go-getter attitude.  I have the "I got this" complex.  Need something done for you?  I'm on it.  Think it's too much for me?  Never.  I got this.  What I learned this weekend is my "I got this" complex hinders Jesus to work fully in me.  Instead of laying myself at his feet, I lay there for a minute, and get right back up. 
I am exhausted on so many levels, but I never realized that my soul was exhausted. I never even thought about my soul.  I knew my relationship were suffering, but I never connected those relationships to not resting in Christ.  Sure, we have all heard Matthew 11:28 before, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest..."  but it never really hit me until this weekend.   During a song, one I have sung probably a hundred times, I lost it.  I had to walk out of the room.  I found myself alone, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.  It was in that moment I felt Jesus stronger than I have in a while.  He was breaking the chains, freeing me from the pain and hurt, physically shaking the crap out.  A few people found me, and prayed for me.  He finally calmed my soul and in that moment I knew he was going to begin to restore me to Him.  "The thief approaches with malicious intent, looking to steal, slaughter, and destroy; I came to give life with joy and abundance."  John 10:10.  Satan has many tactics to steal us - discontentment, loneliness, weariness, unanswered prayers, and our past.  He finds us when we are not strong and draws us in.  He reminds us we are less than, we are not as good as, and you will never be.  We need to remember that our journey is ours, uniquely ours.  Comparing ourselves to others only causes heartache for ourselves.  My restoration will never line up with someone else's timetable.  What Satan uses as brokenness, Jesus uses it for His glory.  Satan wants to keep us broken but Jesus won't allow that!!  (I LOVE THAT!!)  Restoration will take time, but I believe that I am a new creation in him.  Restored and mended. 
When we looked at what restoration looked like for us, we drew a mug, then shattered the mug.  We wrote down things that were shattered.  This one just flowed out of me.  I didn't like that I was broken in so many areas, but I knew that this retreat was designed to "dig deep" as Kristi put it.  The cool thing about this shattered part, was the way in which Jesus restores us.  Ah...I loved this part.  God's job is to restore us, our job is to let him. (This poses difficult for me the "Doer").  So as we looked at restoration here were some thoughts that were given to us:

Original cup (Before brokenness) ---> shattered cup (broken) ---> choices (choose life, choose to mend, choose wholeness.) ---> New cup (restored) ---> What does Jesus say about this cup?  What does He say I am? ---> Restored brokenness ---> What would it look like to me? How would I feel?  How would I function? ----> (Insert personal answers here.)
I was really touched by this imagery.  To think that Jesus wanted to restore me fully to Him, was breathtaking. 

I loved the renewal session almost as much as the restoration.  Renew = to start again after an interruption.  I loved the question, "How can you fully live the beautiful life God created for you?"  By allowing the only filter to be Jesus, not anyone or anything else, simply his filter.  It's never what I do that counts, it's what I become that counts.  To live in the presence of God the heart must be EMPTY of all other things, because God will only possess the heart alone and as he cannot posses it alone without emptying it nor can he act there and do it in what He pleases unless it be left vacant to Him.  So how do I pursue the beautiful life God has given me?  Who do I want to be in Christ?  What makes your life beautfiul to yourself? 

This video was shared, and I feel like it really fits what this retreat was about...

Photo blog

So, I have been fortunate enough to schedule a few photo shoots with some great people.  I am looking forward to learning how to be a better photographer while capturing special moments!  I am also working on a photography blog.  I have so many ideas running through my head.  I'm going to have to pick a direction and run with it!!  I snapped a few pictures today of the foliage and Cameron.  Here's a quick peek!

Jamie Grace - Beautiful Day

Jamie Grace - Beautiful Day

So, I love this song, LOVE THIS SONG.  I know Jamie Grace is more fitting for young girls, but this song is so catchy.  I love her voice and I always have a great day when I listen to her!  Enjoy!

Welcome!

I am new to the blog scene.  My father-in-law Glynn and husband, Travis both blog.  I think it comes really naturally to both of them.  Granted, I am a talker, but not a writer.  I don't journal and I never have.  Most everything I have to say is spoken.  However, I think it is time I take an interest in blogging.  Our family is constantly changing, and things are always moving.  I've decided to try an capture a snippet of our lives, how God uses us in this world, how we are impacted by Him, and mostly how our lives intersect within him.  I hope to keep up with this blog weekly, but there's no guarantee!  I am also using this as a platform for my love of photography.  I love to photograph others, although I really green.  I hope to grow as a photographer by capturing God's beauty through the lens.  It is in those moments we are reminded that He created life, and all that surrounds it.  I hope to share my passion with our boys one day, and thus seeing life through the lens, through His eyes.